Y’all there are so many things going through my head right now. Therapy does that to you. So many things I want to tell you, and so many things I don’t need to, but probably will anyway. 1st of all, Harry Styles’ album is GOOD and it’s my new favorite writing music. Podcasts are also good and my new favorite way to meditate and decompress after work.
Also I’ve become a BIG fan of lists recently, one of the many signs I’m turning into my grandmother. So I guess this post is kinda like a list of all the different thoughts dancing through my brain at the moment. It’s jumbled and it’s messy but putting it in a list is cool because I just love a good list. I recently opened an empty notebook and made 14 different lists. FOURTEEN. Lists of the most random things. Lists of things I had to do, clothes I would like to buy, appointments I should make, things I want do this summer, different ideas for side businesses, things I need to do for all my current side businesses, etc. Plus I got “The 52 Lists Project” book for Christmas and I’ve loved spending my lunch breaks just filling out a list. Just thought you should know, I’ve rediscovered list making and I’m a big fan.
So you want to know why I’ve been so absent from the blogosphere? There’s really not one answer. Sometimes the beach just calls ya and the laptop doesn’t. Sometimes you’d rather spend hours looking at flights to random places just for fun. Sometimes that pool floatie looks lonely and the color of the pool is distractingly perfect. Sometimes you get sucked into a James Corden or Jimmy Fallon YouTube wormhole and come out 4 hours later with sore cheeks. And sometimes life is just happening. I’ve traveled a bunch, adventured on day trips and weekend trips, been in a wedding, witnessed my sister get engaged, had the most fun father-daughter weekend in LA, hosted roughly a gillion parties, eaten the greatest meals with even greater people, I’m pretty sure half the people I know out here have had their birthday recently, reunited with so many college pals, and had a reunion with high school friends AT my actual high school which is basically a whole different place now that Skypes with students around the world every other week and has a meme wall.
Plus like the Super Bowl happened, Oscars season came and went, Pilot season, Nick’s season of the Bachelor and flu season were all a thing. Valentine’s Day/Galentine’s Day showed up, as did Easter and spring break (for like tons of other people, not me). Plus about a million other things I know I’m forgetting and/or am too lazy to ramble on about.
I recently had a weird health scare (don’t worry, I’m definitely definitely fine). Scare is probably a strong word, maybe a health “concern” is better. But something I’ve never had happen before happened, and it was scary. I googled the symptoms which you would think is smart and resourceful! But I completely and thoroughly freaked myself out. Then I called my mom. Because that will always be the answer to everything ever (sorry mom!).
And like everyone who has ever googled any symptom of any kind will tell you, there was a brief moment where I thought I could have cancer. And you want to know the first thought that popped into my mind as I was thinking “what if I have cancer?”.
“I haven’t traveled enough. I haven’t seen all the places I want to see.”
I know, I was surprised too. I feel like some of you are probably like, “umm why wasn’t your first thought about your family, friends, or God?” Well I think if you know me you KNOW my love language is quality time. And while I know I could never have enough time with the people I love, I know I have had time with them. And OBVIOUSLY if I had cancer I would want to spend so much time with my loved ones. Of. Course. I. Would. But there is a whole world of people I have yet to love. There are kids I don’t know playing in streets I’ve never been to. There are families I have never met enjoying a meal I have never eaten. There are employees I’ve never said hello to working in random hole in the walls I’ve never visited. There are Gods creations all over this earth that I haven’t galloped in, skipped through, or sat in. There are places I haven’t photographed, neither with my camera nor my eyes. There’s just so. much. out. there. And almost daily I’m reminded of it (hi Instagram!) And even though I am going a lot of places this year, it’s nowhere near cured my wanderlust.
I also spent a few weeks marathoning all 10 seasons of Smallville on Hulu. Well actually only 7 seasons because I really just wanted to watch Lois Lane. She has always been one of my favorite characters (I even got to tell Superman she was why I wanted to be a journalist growing up). But honestly it was because I just wanted to watch a strong female role model. And while we have made some SERIOUS progress in that department and there are some GREAT current female role models in tv/movies that I LOVE, sometimes you just need to go back to the good ole days and remind yourself of something good.
And then a few weeks later I saw Wonder Woman in theaters and cried. I was so moved. And days later I’m still moved. I won’t say which scene, but there’s a part where Wonder Woman goes into battle, by herself, to save people she has literally just met, because she saw they were suffering and wanted to help. Simply because it was the right thing to do. Seeing her step into battle, so courageously, so boldly, so heroically, took me aback for a second. I sat there realizing I had never seen a woman be a hero before. Not like that. Not in the movies. Not like the guys. It was so inspiring. Now I have seen women heroes in movies before, but they were behind the scenes, in the classroom, raising their kids, or standing behind or next to their husbands. Which let me be perfectly clear, THAT DOES MEAN THEY ARE HEROES, IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM ANY LESS HEROIC THAN WONDER WOMAN. But this was different. And I couldn’t help but think what my life would be like now if I had grown up watching women heroes, plain as day heroes, that I didn’t have to search for or justify. They were just straight-up, good old fashioned heroes and no one could argue with that.
I’ve spent a lot of time these last 6 months working on side projects (don’t worry, I’ll be sharing them soon). But I’ve also spent a lot of time these last 6 months dealing with situations and emotions that were too much for me to handle on my own. I’ve felt so alone and so lonely (fyi those are 2 different things). I’ve cried a lot but I’ve also laughed a lot. I’ve had some really good, life-giving moments and experiences. I’ve had some of the best conversations with a variety of people. I’ve been more inspired than I have in any other point in my life (hence my many side businesses & projects in the works). And I’ve been more proud of who I am and what I’m being called to do than ever before. But with that pure joy has also been some real darkness. And to be perfectly honest I’m not out of that darkness yet. But boy do I see light ahead.
I got a new camera in January and it’s LEGIT. I get so excited using it. I’ve taken so many pictures. Like so so many. An absurd amount. (Also I’m not going to tell you how long it just took me to spell absurd…. but let’s just say I used all the vowel combos). I have spent hours/days editing photos. All the millions of photos. It’s just so FUN. I literally have so many photos it’s overwhelming thinking of which ones to share. That’s also why my Instagram posts aren’t as frequent. I just have too many I love and it overwhelms me and stresses me out (which is weird because I don’t really stress about anything ever). Is it weird to get overwhelmed by something you love and get so stressed out you have to put the phone/camera/computer down and walk away? Is that a thing?
I’ve started going on walks after work and it’s the bomb.com. It’s crazy how much I need nature. How spending even 30 minutes in it can change my whole day. So does eating right. Which is a hard thing for me to follow through on (shoutout to the 3.5 brownies I ate today and don’t regret-ish). Also sleep is a GAME CHANGER. I was having a terrible day and went home on my lunch break to take a 30 minute nap and as I was walking back into work I legitimately felt like I was walking into a brand new day. No lie. I talked about all of this the other day with some dear friends as we hiked to a waterfall and I remember thinking, why can’t life always be like this? Why can’t I always be in nature, eat healthy but also eat yummy things that aren’t healthy from time to time, and get enough sleep. Regulated nap-times and 3 day weekends were also tossed around. Maybe we found the waterfall of knowledge. That sounds right.
Back to photography real quick because I keep getting distracted (sry) I WANT TO TAKE PICTURES OF ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. I swear I see one picture and I’m like WHERES MY CAMERA AND WHY DIDN’T I TAKE THAT PICTURE. Like it’s a daily, hourly even, thing. I think it’s probably how dogs feel all the time. They are in the middle of a thought and BAM something distracts them and then it’s all they can think about/obsess about/bark about.
I cannot stress enough how much I love being in therapy. I’ve pretty much told everyone I know (and some random strangers) because I honestly believe it is the best thing anyone can ever do for themselves. Out of every personal accomplishment I’ve had recently, in career and in life, my proudest moments have been having open, honest and vulnerable conversations about therapy with people, and even convincing some to try it themselves. I would LOVE to talk to you about therapy! Ask anyone I know, I could talk about it for hours. Therapy has been the most wonderful introspective gift. It’s like a massage for the mind. I have always known myself really really well, I still do. But that doesn’t mean I’m not growing. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t reach out for help when I’m going through a hard time. Or even when I’m not going through a hard time and I’m actually in a really good place. Because like my pastor says, sometimes you just want a “tune up”. I mean we have annual checkups with our doctor, so why not have one for your brain, right?!
And what’s been so crazy cool is seeing how many people I already know who are also in therapy! And how one honest conversation can open the door for someone to feel comfortable saying, “I’m in therapy too!” Seriously I’ve seen that therapy tree grow DAILY. And it’s the coolest.
Fun fact though, I actually don’t have a general doctor out here. Oops. Or a dentist. Or any other kind of doctor you’re supposed to see. And it wasn’t until last year that I even learned where the nearest hospital is to me. So ya know, spending some time figuring that stuff out would be a good idea. Maybe this post is just a really long winded way of saying if you are someone in the LA area who has a doc, dentist, gynecologist, dermatologist, massage therapist they love HIT ME UP.
I also haven’t been inspired to write in a long long time. I have been inspired to do so many other creative things! But writing and posting on the blog just exhausted me every time I thought about it. And I do apologize for the people who have continued to come back here for the last 6 months only to see free Christmas wallpaper… But I have said before that this blog is, personally, a source of happiness and fun for me, and the minute it stops being that, I stop. It’s just usually the burnout doesn’t last this long. But what you may not know is every time I disappear from the blogosphere because of burnout, I honestly don’t know when I’ll be inspired to do it again. I just assume that at somepoint I will.
And literally I was just brushing my teeth in my Barbie sleep shirt and some boxers I’ve had since high school, and I just had thought after thought after thought bouncing around in my head. And I realized I was narrating my thoughts, it felt like I was writing them, telling a story, except I was the only one hearing it. So I immediately went to my room, asked Alexa to play Harry Styles, was really glad she didn’t judge me, and opened my Notes app on my phone. My laptop is basically kaput and turning it on takes roughly a day and a half. So phone it was. Which is ironic because my phone has been on the fritz lately too. I’ve actually made two different appointments with the Genius Bar over the past month only to have my phone miraculously start working hours before my appointment. TECHNOLOGY.
So here I am. Writing all 2,240 words on my iPhone with 46% battery. Alexa is still happily playing Harry Styles and my room is still a mess. But my thoughts aren’t. Or at least not as much. It just feels good to be writing. Not saying that I’ll regularly be updating this ole blog of mine, but I’m so glad it’s here. I’m happy I have something I can come back to, whenever I want, or whenever I get a burst of inspiration/energy in between Barbie and some Colgate.